


Cadidiot

by ballvvasher, Dogtagsandsmut



Series: STEVE YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT WELL ENOUGH ALONE [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: British Military, Crack, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Don't Ask Don't Tell, Fluff, Gay Sex, Humor, Id Fic, M/M, Marriage, Military, Military Backstory, Military Kink, Military Ranks, Military Uniforms, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-08
Updated: 2015-06-08
Packaged: 2018-03-01 03:50:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2758523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ballvvasher/pseuds/ballvvasher, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dogtagsandsmut/pseuds/Dogtagsandsmut
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one wherein the author punishes Steve and makes him join the National Guard, to get peered out of OCS, and find himself in ROTC. Oh Steve. You should have left well enough alone.</p><p>It always bothered me that Steve was field grade promoted with no formal officer training and no more than a week of Basic Training. So I sent him through ROTC. Now he’ll come by those damn railroad tracks honestly.</p><p>For those of you unfamiliar with military terminology, I have included a dictionary at the end for you to reference.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cadidiot

1.

“But why’s it gotta be you, pal? You give up enough of yourself. Your time. You do enough, Stevie, why this too?” He gripes over pizza and beer the night Steve finally works up the nerve to bring it up.

“I dunno, Buck. I just wanna do my part.”

“Pal. You’re an _Avenger._ You do your part. ‘Sides, what use is the Guard even gonna have with you? Anytime they’d get called up, likely we’d already be on the scene.”

“Not for the small stuff,” Steve argues, “the stuff not big enough to call us in on, and that’s what I want to help with. You know. Forest fires, earthquakes. Passing out water and C-rations.”

“They call ‘em MREs these days; get with the times, gramps,” Bucky quips, and Steve rolls his eyes.

“Either way. I miss being a soldier. I miss D&C. I miss being in the Army. The fellowship; the comradery. And yeah, being an Avenger is great, but it’s different from the infantry and you know it. Less discipline, less order. Less clear cut chain of command.”

“Then why not go active?”

“Because it’s like you said. I _am_ an Avenger. I can’t just drop whatever I’m doing with them because some colonel needs me to sit a briefing about messy motor pools or which platoon’s PMCSing the guns this week, and that _would_ happen if I went active. Part time’s it for me these days, I think.”

Bucky sighs and throws his hands in the air. “Fine, fine. When have I ever been able to stop your punk ass from doing something you wanted to do; never, that’s when. But this is one path I ain’t following you on. I _don’t_ miss the Army, and I have _no desire_ to join back up, not after finally getting out, and getting out the hard way at that.”

Steve smiles. Bucky had been drafted, back in the day; had considered dodging it before finally leaving for Basic. He’d chafed under command, until Steve had been the one giving them, and even still, sometimes he chafed at that too.

“I know. And it’s not a big deal. It’s one weekend a month, and I’ll likely be behind a desk anyway.”

“Fine. Mazel tov. Hooah,” Bucky sings sarcastically.

 Which is how Steve Rogers decides to join the New York Army National Guard.

* * *

 

2. 

The recruiter looks like he’s going to wet his pants with excitement when Steve sits down with him at the café across from Stark Tower. Signing up Captain America to the Guard is going to be a huge feather in SFC Strouther’s cap and the look on this face says he knows it. Steve can almost see the third rocker shining in the man’s eyes, and resists the urge to sigh. At least he’d never had to play politics back during the war.

“I have to ask you, sir. Why us? Why the Guard?”

“Why not,” Steve shrugs. “The Guard needs good leaders too and I’m just looking to help out.”

“Well, that’s a good enough reason for me. Is that your service jacket?” He gestures to the brown folder in Steve’s hand

“Yeah.” Steve holds the jacket out to the recruiter, who flips the top open, one handed, and starts thumbing through the documents.

“I’m married,” Steve says, tapping the gold band on his his ring finger. “That going to be a problem?”

“Nope,” the Sergeant replies. “Most of our soldiers are married. You’ll qualify for BAH, of course, and BAS, if you have kids—“

“—To a man,” Steve interrupts. “ _That_ going to be a problem?”

The recruiter blinks for a moment, hands stilled, before recovering. “Nope. Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was repealed, and we got plenty of gay soldiers serving; hell, even serving together. You’ll even still get BAH because the NY Guard recognizes your marriage. Is, uh, Mr. Stark?” he questions probingly.

“Barnes. Barnes-Rogers”

Strouther nods, whistling quietly under his breath and looking delighted. “Right. Is uh, Mr. Barnes-Rogers interested in joining up too?”

“Nah,” Steve smiles, shaking his head. “No, he’s done with the Army. Being conscripted during the war and all.”

“Yeah, no problem. I had to ask, of course. My Captain woulda had my head if I didn’t.”

“No, I get it,” Steve says, waving him off. “Politics.”

“Politics, yeah,” the other man agrees with a smile. “Anyway it’s an honor to be working with you, and I wanted to say that. Not trying to get greedy. Except…” and he flips Steve’s jacket open to his DD214, setting it down to where Steve can see what the man points to. “…there’s a bit of a problem.”

* * *

 

3.

“Seriously?” Bucky asks, having pulled out to flop down in a sweaty heap on Steve’s chest. Steve wrinkles his brow a bit at the uncomfortable feeling of Bucky’s jizz dripping out of his ass, and wriggles free to go wipe himself up.

“The romance is dead,” Bucky announces, and Steve laughs and tosses the towel onto his chest. Bucky snatches it up and starts wiping down his johnson, wincing a bit at the overstimulation. “But seriously though, they’re gonna make you go through all that hassle? You were the commander of a special forces battalion for fuck’s sake! During _World War 2._ It’s a travesty is what it is.”

“Yeah, but he had a point,” Steve remarks mildly, flopping back down onto the bed and dragging Bucky close to snuggle him on his chest.

“Mind the arm,” Bucky chastises gently and Steve hums into Bucky’s shoulder in acknowledgement before lifting his head to look him in the eye.

“He said I technically don’t qualify for rank of Captain according to regulations, and he’s right. I never went through Basic, really—“

“—Sure you did, pal. Camp Lehigh—“

“—That wasn’t Basic though. It was just a selection board. And I was only there for about a week,” Steve interrupts.

“Yeah but you were in for plenty of time after, and it’s not like they needed to whip you up into shape or something,” Bucky argues, patting Steve’s left pec.

“And the promotion to O3 was a field grade anyway,”

“So?”

Steve rolls his eyes at the interruption but continues on anyway. “So, they pulled most of those once the war was off. Only company grade promotions stuck. And I don’t technically qualify for _any_ rank in the Officer structure, frankly. I didn’t finish college, and you need a degree to be an Officer. They’re making an exception as it is, letting me go to OCS. But I have to go back and finish up school as soon as I get back from IBOLC.”

“It’s nonsense. It’s crap. They can’t pull your rank like that!”

Steve shrugs. “It’s only 12 weeks for Basic. Another 12 for OCS. Another 12 for IBOLC and that doesn’t have to be done immediately. It won’t be so bad. Recruiter thinks it’ll be a cake walk for me now that I look like this.” He dropped a kiss on his husband’s shoulder, squeezing him a little tighter. “Gonna miss you.”

“Then don’t go,” Bucky snarks.

“Bucky!”

“Yeah yeah. Gonna miss you too, punk.”

* * *

 

4.

Steve stares at him miserably, looking washed out in the webcam. Bucky’s torn between laughing and being completely outraged.

“ _Peered out_ _?_ The fuck does that even _mean_ , husband?!”

The recruiter had been right about Steve. Once he’d gone through MEPS and Ft. Benning-bound for BCT, things had gone smoothly. He’d coasted through Basic, managing to scare even his Drill Sergeants who had grown up being spoon fed the Captain America legend, and were afraid to treat Steve Rogers like a fresh-baked joe. But he’d hit a snag once it was time to pop smoke and head over to OCS.

Through Skype, Steve shrugs morosely. _“We get weekly peer evals. Three negative ones and you wash out. They did ‘em in Basic Training too, just, twice though, and nobody took ‘em seriously. Apparently here they do.”_

“Yeah, but c’mon, who in their right minds would give Captain America a negative spot report?”

_“Infantry spots are tight in OCS thanks to do the downsizing, and the competition is really fierce. Apparently I wasn’t concerned enough about making friends, and a group of guys all got together and made a pledge to ‘take out’ the competition, so to speak. ‘S not just me. It happened to a few other guys in Phase One. Politics.”_

“Politics,” Bucky swears, like the word is a curse. For soldiers, it might as well be. “Fuck all of them. So, what happens now that you’ve been buddy fucked?”

“Peered out,” Steve sighs, gives a half shrug. “Under ideal circumstances, I’d wait around in the holding company and then class back up with the next peer group. Except, my NG unit isn’t willing to pay for the twelve to sixteen weeks I could be stuck here doing ‘area beautification’ and waiting to class back up, so they’ve cut my orders and I’m heading home.”

“And just like that, you’re done? Are they gonna kick you out? Are they gonna make you go enlisted?”

Steve gives a sad smile. “Well, they did said I had to finish college anyway.”

* * *

 

5.

Steve eyes the Colonel, who sits behind her desk with a stern expression on her face. She looks like she means business, and Steve tries not to squirm.

“Rogers-Barnes, if I agree to allow you into my program, it will be with the understanding that you are starting from the bottom. You will not argue with my Professors and you will be expected to show the same customs and courtesies to the upper classmen as any other Cadet would do. Is this going to be a problem for you?”

“No ma’am.”

“It will be annoying. These are children you’re dealing with, Rogers-Barnes. Most of them still play like this is high school, and they lack discipline, and they know very little about what it’s like to be in a real unit. Some, like yourself, are prior service, but most are college students—soldiers in name only. You’re going to be bothered. Flustered. A lot. Almost constantly.”

“All due respect ma’am. I work with Tony Stark.”

“Point. Well, you’re not the oldest Cadet we have in the Battalion at the moment. You’re not the only one who’s seen combat either, though most of our prior service deployed Cadets worked on a FOB. Bit different from storming the beaches of Normandy, I’d wager. But if you think you have the patience and wherewithal to tolerate two years of it, I’ll bring you on.”

“I won’t let you down, ma’am.”

Her eyes soften just a fraction. “No, I wager you won’t. Not like we have to worry about you failing a PT test.” She stands up, and offers her hand. Steve takes it, shaking.

“We’ll start you as an MSIII since you have time in service. Cadet Rogers-Barnes: welcome to ROTC.”

Steve suspects that it’s going to be a very long two years.

* * *

 

6.

“The overhead arm pull,” the platoon sergeant calls out. “The overhead arm pull,” Steve and the rest of the formation echo. “Starting position, move!” Steve puts his hands on his hips. He feels a bit goofy, doing this, but the cool down stretches _do_ feel good, and his PT uniform is a hundred times more comfortable than the ones they used to wear. Hell, back in his day, they just exercised in their combat uniform. Now he gets shorts. And tennis shoes!

“Ready? Stretch!” And Steve dutifully puts his arm behind his head, pulling his elbow down with his other hand.

The girl beside him is still huffing from the workout that just ended. She’s older, like him, and is carrying a bit of weight around—not enough to disqualify her from service, but enough that keeping up with 18 year olds in the prime of their life must be difficult. She notices his glances and huffs good naturedly.

“What can I say, sir? I’m fat.”

“Nah, no you’re not,” he argues, because really, she isn’t. But she just shakes her head with a grin.

“I’m Army fat. I’m civilian thin, but I’m Army fat.” She shrugs as best she can from the awkward position they’re in, then glances around. “Bit of a change from your day, huh sir?”

“A bit,” he acknowledges in a quiet voice. “But you don’t have to call me ‘sir’. You’re in the same year as me, I think.”

“I am,” she agrees. “But you also fought in WW2. Your acts saved the lives of millions of Americans, including my grandparents. All due respect, sir, but this program is a waste of your time and the Army should have done better by you than taking your rank and putting you through commissions again. It’s bullshit. You got buddy fucked. So you’ll forgive me for showing you the customs and courtesies you’ve earned.”

Steve blushes but nods anyway. “Fair enough. Say, I’ve been looking for a workout buddy. Think you’re up to the challenge?”

“I’ll slow you down,” she warns, but he sees a glint of determination in her eye. He’s been slow to make friends in this program, having little in common with the younger Cadets, but he recognizes an olive branch when he sees one, and he could use an ally. He thinks she might have more in common with him than the others. And despite being less physically fit than her peers she’s still fairly well liked by them.

“’S all right,” he assures her. “Not like I can get shin splints anyway.”

She grins. “Barnes,” she introduces herself.

“Me too,” he retorts, assuming an intentionally dumbfounded expression.

Despite her exhaustion, her mouth quirks up into a smile. “Yeah, I noticed. Good nameplay; you must be related to me.”

He smiles, because he’s seen that movie. “Only by marriage.”

She thrusts her hips, mockingly. “I like it. Uhnf. Give it to me!”

“No talking in formation!” the platoon sergeant barks. “Change position: ready, stretch!”

* * *

 

7.

“I’m not going,” Bucky insists. There’s a Cadet Ball coming up, an annual thing, and Steve has to go because he’s a contracted Cadet on scholarship, so it’s mandatory fun.

“’C’mon, Buck,” Steve wheedles.

“No. It’s stupid. It’s going to be long and boring and I’m not going.”

“It’s mandatory for me. And I’d like to have you there, as my husband. I want you to meet the other Cadets. Everyone’s gonna have a date. Hell, some of them are even married too, like us.”

“Uh huh.”

“You could meet your namesake.”

“The fat little running buddy you keep talking about? Yeaaaaaaaahno. No thanks, pal.”

“She’s not fat. Well, not anymore. But it’ll be fun.”

“It’ll be a drag. There’s not even any alcohol.”

“We can’t get drunk!”

“For this, I could. Trust me. Try me,” he emplores.

“C’mon, just go with me.”

“Do I hafta?”

“No,” Steve sighs, “but I really want you there. And…” and he’s been saving this bargaining chip for a while, “you know that new spider web bondage gear you’ve been hinting at? I’ll buy it, and I’ll let you tie me up in any configuration you want. For however long you want. And I won’t even try to break free.”

“Fine,” Bucky sighs back, “but one more thing.”

“Anything,” Steve promises.

“At the end of the night? After this ball thingy? I wanna fuck you in your uniform. Your _formal_ uniform.”

Steve’s johnson chubbs up a little, just at the though.

“That’s a deal.”

* * *

 

8.

“Peered out?! Again, Steve? What the _hell_?”

 _“Well, not quite. Not this time, exactly.”_ Steve’s finally been given his phone back, after a month of training at Ft. Knox. _“They do peer evals, but they don’t kick you out if you don’t do well. And they only do one.”_

“And you, what, got a bad one?” Bucky presses the phone into his ear with a shoulder as he stirs a pot of soup. “Why does this shit keep happening to you, pal?”

 _“Bottom five_ _, yeah. Apparently being,”_ and the sound of ruffled papers comes from the phone line. _“an insufferable know it all,”_ he reads off _“didn’t go down well with my peers. It’ll probably affect my ranking on the Order of Merit list, but since I’m guaranteed reserve force duty anyway, it doesn’t really matter.”_

“Politics?”

_“Politics.”_

“’K,” Bucky acknowledges with a grimace, “So when you gonna be home?”

More paper rustling. _“My flight leaves at 1400. I’ll probably be home by 1730, 1800 by the latest. I was hoping to get an earlier flight, but they’re trying not to book anyone before the graduation ceremony.”_

“You have a graduation? After a month of training?”

_“Yeah.”_

“That’s silly.”

_“Yeah.”_

“I miss you, Stevie.”

_“I miss you too, Buck.”_

* * *

 

9.

“Who runs the world? Girls! Who runs the world? Girls,” Cadet Barnes sings, sashaying into Battalion. She’s clearly stayed on top of her fitness regime over the summer, because she looks like she’s in great shape.

“Pleased to be an MS4 finally?” Steve asks, as he holds the door open for her. She pinches his cheek as she ducks under his arm, skipping down the hallway and into the MS4 office.

“Hellz yeah, Arbie. We’re 4s! FINALLY! We run this Battalion now. Run it right into the ground.” She says, eyes going mock-dark as she tries to affect a 1,000 yard stare.

Steve laughs as he sets his books down at the S6 workstation, glancing around at the command office that’s theirs, all theirs. It does feel good to be in charge, to be almost done with this process and onto a real unit. One more year. Almost done.

“You have a smudge,” she remarks, and Steve holds still as she wipes his face with the sleeve of her ACU top. She brings the cuff to her nose, sniffing. “Charcoal?”

“Charcoal,” Steve confirms. Barnes snorts at him. After nearly a year of working together, they’ve moved passed the formalities of “yes sir/no sir”, and befriending her has helped ease his way with the rest of the Cadets in his program. She’s the one that coined the nickname Arbie—‘R-B’—after Cadets got sick of using his hyphenated last name over comms during their simulated firefights.

“Captain America: art major. Who’da thought.”

“I’m a simple Cadet of simple tastes.”

She grunts at that. “Yeah. Well. I expect the training meeting slides this semester to be a lot better than what last year’s 4s were able to put out, S6.”

“Roger that, Sergeant Major.”

* * *

 

10.

Bucky and Steve are eating lunch at the café that Steve had met with the SFC, now SMG Strouther, a year ago, during his _re_ enlistment. Currently he sits across from them looking like the cat who caught the canary.

“Still not interested in joining up, Mr. Barnes-Rogers?”

“Nope!” Bucky responds, popping the “p”. The recruiter shrugs, then turns his attention back to Steve.

“So, you were high up enough on the OML that we were able to branch you infantry. As you know we disbanded the 107th Reg back in ’93, but I talked to the Commander over at the 108th. He was delighted to snap you up, of course. That okay?”

“That’s fine.”

Strouther nods. “Rumor is, the CO’s a fan of yours. Expect to be promoted under the wire. You’ll probably get your railroad tracks in 18 months, not the customary 36. I’m not worried that you’ll be promoted before experience catches up, because, well. You’ve done this song and dance before.”

“I have,” he acknowledges.

“Good. Well, I wish you the best of luck, Steve. Thanks for working with us on the red tape issues, and of course, thanks for joining the Army.”

“Hooah,” Bucky snarks, and Steve rolls his eyes with a grin.

* * *

 

11.

“You ready for this, Arbie?”

They are commissioning today. Finally. Steve looks out into the audience, where his husband sits, hair tied back and looking fantastic in his suit and tie. He looks ravenous. He looks like he wants nothing more than to rip Steve’s ASUs right off him and fuck him over the podium.

The thought thrills Steve.

“I’m ready. I’m definitely ready.”

The Colonel steps up in front of the Cadets. “Raise your right hand. Repeat after me. ‘I, your name. Having been appointed as an officer in the Army of the United States. Do solemnly swear. That I will support. And defend. The Constitution of the United States…

And as Steve dutifully echoes back the oath he thinks, _It’s good to be back._

 

fin

 

P.S. At the end of the day, for all his fuss, Bucky has never not followed Steve. He'd follow that kid from Brooklyn to the end of the earth. And Steve's recruiter was never so happy the day the Winter Soldier finally gave in, and came calling to enlist, chasing his husband back into the service. (Amazing art by [ballvvasher](http://ballvvasher.tumblr.com/).)

 

Terms:

 **Railroad tracks** : the slang for a Captain’s rank, which is two vertical bars  
**Meals Ready to Eat (MREs):** prepackaged highly processed calorie bombs handed out to soldiers during field training, or civilians during emergencies.  
**Drill and Ceremony (D &C):** the skillset soldiers train on that allows them to stand in formation, march, and turn on cue en masse.  
**Go active/go guard:** choosing to serve full time (active) or one weekend a month/two weeks out of the summer (Guard)  
**PMCS:** I don’t even know what the alphabet soup stands for on this one, and I’m not gonna look it up. Just know, it’s basically an inspection of any piece of equipment where you go down the list and check the box. It’s actually a fairly important but tedious duty of every soldier, and you do it with every piece of equipment that has moving parts.  
**Sergeant First Class (SFC):** an E7  
**Rocker:** the bottom curve in enlisted rank that sits under the chevrons. A third rocker indicates the soldier has reached the rank of Sergeant Major E8, the highest rank one can attain, essentially.  
**Politics:** fucking politics, man. Otherwise known as riding coattails, playing nice, dog and pony show, or sucking brass’s dick. Sometimes the only way to get anything dumb in the Army. Every soldier hates politics but we all gotta play the game.  
**Jacket:** The brown folder containing every document relating to a soldier’s time in service  
**Basic Allowance for Housing (BAH):** money money!  
**Basic Allowance for Subsistence (BAS):** mo money money!  
**DD214:** the summary of a soldier’s training and deployments, medals, promotions, ect.  
**O3:** Captain  
**Officer Candidate School (OCS):** the course you take that teaches you how to be a leader  
**Infantry Basic Officer’s Leadership Course (IBOLC)/ Infantry Basic Officer’s Course (IBOC):** the course you take that actually teaches you how to do your job.  
**Peer out/Peer Eval/Peer-fucked:** the process of evaluating the other Candidates in your squad and ranking them. Three evals in a row at the bottom, and your ass is out of there. I saw it happen to a Candidate the week before graduation. They dropped him from the class and he had to sit around in a holding company pulling AB duty until the next class caught up to the week he was peered out.  
**BCT:** Basic Combat Training  
**MEPS:** Military Entrance Processing Station: a depressing hole of a building where everyone hates you. You go there for testing and in-processing.  
**Pop smoke/jump TOC:** relocated to a different area  
**MSI/II/III/IV or MS1/2/3/4:** Designates what year of the ROTC program a cadet is on. As Is and IIs you follow orders. As a III, you act as an NCO, and head platoons. As a IV, you are almost done, and you act as an Officer, running the entire Battalion  
**Customs and Courtesies (C &C):** standing at parade rest or attention, saluting, referring to Officers as Sir/Ma’am and NCOs by their rank, ect.  
**Forward Operating Base (FOB):** How the Army currently fights in Afghanistan and Iraq. We station on a base, which is relatively secure, and only go outside the wire for specific missions. It’s a lazy man’s war, compared to how we fought in Vietnam and Germany  
**PT:** Physical Training  
**Mandatory fun/voluntold:** when a soldier is ordered to attend an event that is supposed to be fun.  
**Bottom five:** being listen in the bottom five of a platoon of 40. Can sometimes be a career killer if you’re trying to go active duty.  
**Army Service Uniform (ASU):** the formal blues, worn with medals.  
**Army Combat Uniform (ACU):** the one you see in commercials, with the digital camouflage.  
**S6:** There are multiple shops in a Battalion comprised of Officers and enlisted who help run a Battalion. Steve is S6, the comms officer. He’s responsible for the training slides, the radios, ect.  
**Order of Merit List (OML):** the ranking list that determines what job you get once you commission, or if you get your first, second, or third choice.  
**Branch:** aww fuck branching. Not to be confused with branching to Army/Navy/Air Force, commissioning branching has to do with finding out what career the Army wants you in. Infantry? Combat Engineer? All depends on how you do during the OML.  
**Under the wire:** a promotion that happens sooner than the mandatory time a soldier needs to spend in that O slot. O1 is a mandatory 18 months; O2 is a mandatory 18 months.  
**Hooah:** Referring to, or meaning anything and everything except "no." Generally used when at a loss for words. Also: Good copy, solid copy, roger, good or great; message received, understood, glad to meet you, welcome, I do not know, but will check on it, I haven't the vaguest idea, I am not listening, that is enough of your drivel--sit down, stop sniveling, you've got to be kidding, yes, thank you, go to the next slide, you have taken the correct action, I don't know what that means, but am too embarrassed to ask for clarification, that is really neat, I want one too, Amen.


End file.
